Am I the problem or the solution?- First revelation during Erasmus

That is the question. For all my fans (!) out there, yeah it’s an English written piece, and it’s not gonna be that funny shit, that y’all motherfuckers wanted! Since i can’t really sleep, but I have classes 2morrow, i have to do some shit to get over it.

man with question mark painted on a wall
Sam Smith oscar díjas dalának borítója: Questionmarks on the wall…

Intro

“If you want to be the best in somethin’ , you gotta let go of other things”

It is a very common quotation used in many forms and many places. Last time it got me when i saw a video about a guy making fucking RAINBOW BAGELS (yeah he actually maintains a proper business from this shit…) It is not a big deal, a bunch of different colored dough on top of each other, hence he claims he had to give up his family in favor of success for a very long period of time. It is gonna be important fo the conclusion. Remember…

So yeah back to the topic. I got to the point where I don’t really know. Those who know me might noticed that im a bit immature or as they say “late-bloomer”, so this existential crisis of mine is might just caused by a postponed puberty…(not in the phisical way…but the teenage life crisis shit way) To understand the situation, lets get some Backstory.

My mom says I’m special…

retarded Lama-

During my life I always had this so-called feeling that “I’m special”. I know it’s basically a generational problem caused by the overly protective parenthood that we had and shit… But in my case it was a bit more complex. I was a straight-A student during elementary and highschool without any real effort(except for well behavior in elementary… most of the time C/E). I had a good final exam, participated and won in several subject-related competition, I tried myself as a cook and stuff, so about my studies, i thought im on the right path. I always knew that I wanna become somebody, and that what i have to do to achieve it.But besides that i had no idea where how what and when? First I thought I will be a master chef or some shit. I got tired of doing the same shit all the time in the kitchen as a minor, not letting my creativity flow. So I decided to go to university.

“So you probably been a cool kid with friends and stuff…”

AAAND I had a pretty fucked up personal life for an extra. Not so many friends, not so strong ties with them or with my family, no love life or whatsoever. And looking back at this things make me understand the person who i became- or at least i thought i became- . I was a selfish smart-ass prick, who thought everyone were stupid and he only believed his own right, with high-altitude of self-esteem and trust issues.

Transformation

At university I had my first challenges. I had to study- not much, but compared to Zero, it was shocking…- to even get an E on the exams. I was really under-motivated this time, so I was OK with the bare minimum. But I started to realize, the world was far more than the school and grades and stuff. I started to meet new people, had new friends. But I was still the same person more or less. I still had a belief about the special thing, but my world and my view of it opened up a bit.

Then I enrolled to an other University (actually the same but different faculty and yeah university since 2016 bitches…) and I got selected to the Junior program of MCC. That was hands down the best period of my life(so far): I learned so much about so many things, I made some new friends, I opened up and became a part of a “incubated micro-society full of fellow strange smartasses like me…”. But the most of all, I learned a lot about myself. I had a positive impact on people. Basically that made me the person who I am right now. But The problems tarted. If I feel like I am in a good place- and i certainly felt like it-, I am likely to be too comfortable about the situation, you could say I could become lazy. I took things for granted and it made me overconfident then I failed terribly in many aspects, maybe first time(s) in my life…It was hard, and I had some personal shit going on as well, but I got over it more or less…Life goes on and this Erasmus shit helps a lot .

(It’s like a fuckin teraphy. Rumors spread about the place we live was a mental institution back then, well… that explains a lot…)

The Revelation

As my world opened up more and more I started to loose focus of the initial goal: the becoming someone-sometimes-someway. I had other fantasies and attemps, but I realized that I was too immature for them back in the day.

I started to develop interest in many different fields of life along the way and I never really believed that grades and academic perfomance defines your intelligence, I always considered myself a generalist. After all I always was, and will be a smartass … But now- and we are back at the MAIN TOPIC with a pretty fucking long detour- I have to realize that

I am pretty good at MANY things, but im not Really/exceptionally good at ANYthing and because of that, I don’t fuckin’ know what to do next.

Personality upgrade

The other thing that is too hard for me to swallow ( #thatswhatshesaid) is my newly formed personality. Prior my departure to this Eramsus thingy and during it right now, I am more confident, more open, the new people in my life constantly giving me positive feedback, and i developed a bit YOLO-ish view on life.(some of my old friends even say i became too much…)I wanna experience, I wanna know more. These traits are not bad at all, but for me it is pretty hard to digest the transformation from selfish,rude, smartass, to a funny open-minded smartass. So the problem: before this newly-formed personality and view of life, I never had issues with the basic life-mission….

SOO the fuckin Summary:

 Maybe the saying is true. You DO have to give up things in your life to become the best in something. In my case, I never gave up anything, I haven’t had it in the first place. The question is: Which is better?

Living a more joyful life,
or becoming the best in something and be left out of the fun?

 I still don’t know, but now I tend to be leaning towards the first option…Life will decide ( i hope)

So what do you think? If you managed to get to this part, leave a comment, than write down one word that you think describes me the most.

Regards,

The Milan

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